“Let us know if you *knuckle-crack* change your mind.”

I’ve let my McAfee antivirus account lapse, mostly because I don’t really like the idea of paying an annual subscription fee for a piece of software that they also release a new version of every year, meaning if I want to keep my antivirus software 100% current I basically have to pay for it twice. That’s a bit shit, but it’s the type of shit that McAfee can get away with. Apparently McAfee is one of those companies that tries to lure you back by making you shit your pants rather than by throwing the usual insincere “We’re sorry you’re leaving” messages at you.

Here’s an excerpt the latest of five emails I’ve received since Friday:

Internet thugs are motivated, ruthless…and silent. They use stealth to invade your computer system. It can happen so quickly, you won’t even realize it—at least not until after your credit score plunges.

They slip in the night, clad in black. They creep into your megabits and datapixels, surreptitiously pilfering every jiggawatt you have into their infosacks. And before you know it , BAM! You’re laying out on a table in Mexico’s Canadian district with some half-drunk, half-mad bandit sucking gin from your belly button while his associates steal your kidneys. All because you didn’t resubscribe to McAfee’s antivirus. Is that what you want? Is that the future you want for you and your family?

Membership starts from $49.99 a year.