An open letter to Film Critics

Dear Film Critics,

I’m not going to lie, I’m slightly envious of your position. You have somehow managed to reach a point where you are basically paid to tell people what you think of this film, or that film. Bloggers like myself are doing that for nothing, which either means we’re remarkably stupid or you’re remarkably clever. The idea that someone can find a career as an Opinion Merchant is one that appeals to me greatly, and I hope some day to be able to count myself amongst your numbers.

I do take exception, however, to just how incredibly lazy some of you are.

Firstly, I think it goes without saying that “If you liked x, you’ll love y” is not a review. It barely qualifies as a comparison. Telling me that I’ll love Watchmen because I think The Dark Knight is brilliant? That’s rubbish, and it’s easy-to-write rubbish because they happen to fall into the same genre. I know people who love Notting Hill but absolutely detest Love Actually. There are more than plenty of people out there who adore Lord of the Rings but cannot stand Harry Potter (and no, I don’t care what you say – they are the same genre). If I were your Editor-in-Chief, I would dock your wages for telling me that y is good because it happens to share some familiar elements with x.

This goes double for “it’s x meets y“. That’s not a review. That’s a pitch. You don’t have to pitch the film to me, you just have to tell me what you thought of it. If your thought was “it’s x meets y” then your opinion is, I think, far too limited to deserve being paid for.

Finally, and this is perhaps the most important point, there is no such thing as a “popcorn movie”. It doesn’t exist. Nobody, and I mean nobody goes to the theatre to sit there and just eat the popcorn. Describing any film (a recent example being X-Men Origins: Wolverine) as a “popcorn movie” is non-committal, time-wasting bollocks. The film is either worth seeing or it isn’t, and if the best you can muster in the review is thoughts on the concessions then the film probably isn’t worth seeing. I can stay at home and eat much nicer popcorn for far less the expense.

Please think about this the next time you get to see a movie for free so you can write about it.

Kind regards,
Ben Paddon